I'm quickly discovering the magic of revision. Here is the first draft of a haiku I'm trying to "make work." Please bear in mind that I chose to this particular form because I want the concentration in the tone, even though the subject matter is not the norm.
Bones beneath the skin
Shimmers as ice on the like
Warm as the cabbin
It didn't have the coherency I wanted, so I move some words around.
Warm as the cabbin
Shimmering ice on a lake
Bones beneath the skin
I wanted to incorporate more of the weather inspired, seasonal elements so I tried to make the bones less predominate.
Warmth from the cabbin
Like bones hovering beneath
Shimmers on the lake
Still, I'm not satisfied with my current draft. I'm looking for words to secure the content but ease the subject matter into the message. The idea is convey an image of the light reflecting off the ice in the same way light bounces off bones hovering beneath the skin. Imagine a mother's hands. That's a lot to accomplish, I know, but poetry is about creation. I want this message in this form. Now I need the best words to convey it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I really like the idea you are trying to convey. I think the third version is by far the best you've come up with. I understand how frustrating it can be when you feel like something just isn't right. You're on the right track in my opinion. I clearly got the message without you having to explain it. I'll be interested to see how the final product turns out!
ReplyDeleteThat is a great idea! I played with it some, if you don't mind. I don't like mine much either, though.
ReplyDeleteBones beneath the skin
shimmer like ice on a lake.
Warm, like a cabin.